What to do when the world around you comes crashing down...
Do you sit by and wait in the rubble?
Are we expected to keep on living as though nothing has happened?
Can we just stop, breathe and wallow in misery as the world passes by continuing on with their day, all the while yours is in shambles?
These were questions I struggled with, and still have tendencies to do so, when my father passed away. At the young age of twenty nine, losing my father (weeks after his 59th birthday) lead to the most painful and difficult moments of my life. I had never experienced what it felt to actually feel emotional pain. It hurt so badly from the inside out to the core of my being. I remember shortly after his passing waking up in the middle of countless nights questioning if this was a bad dream. Awaking each morning (for days on end) having to be reminded that ~ yes, this was real. He was indeed gone.
Just one month and seven days previous I watched, held and cried with a dear friend who had lost her best friend and father of her four young children~ her husband. I clearly remember a fleeting thought that perhaps The Lord himself had whispered to me. In my thoughts I heard this: that standing near my beloved friend and witnessing her suffering will serve me sometime in my future. I remember thinking briefly, “I’m so thankful I have my husband and family safe and sound and that I am not enduring this tragedy.” At the time I felt selfish yet I believed I could never handle such a grappling emotional toll.
Never did I imagine that only weeks later I too, would be left heart broken and shattered. I understand fully that dealing with the loss of a spouse can far out way the loss of one’s father because you are to be separated from your father once married to your soul mate. Children are invested, memories are created, and an entire life built upon the love you shared. But to loose anyone dear to the very core of your heart (whether a friend, sibling, relative or parent) is none the less any less painful.
I guess I am just so amazed that even though I may challenge His will for taking my beloved father at what I consider a very young age, He managed to prepare my heart for this long haul and emotional roller coaster called grief, through my dear friend’s painful loss.
Shortly after my father’s passing I wanted to keep a clear conscience of God’s hand. Somehow among the despair and mess I needed all the conformation of God’s love for me. I felt as though I had to keep my eyes and heart directed at the cross so that I would not stray. The discernment to remain and deepen my walk with God was very powerful that at many times, I felt Him carrying me through hard decisions and obligations. It was indeed indefinite that I be reminded that the enemy was waiting and pining for me to throw up my hands in despair and give up. I could literally feel the spiritual battle between the flesh and our Heavenly Father swarming all around. I know with all of my heart that the enemy (knowing my weakness and personality tendencies) was only waiting for my distrust, anger and resentment to flee from my very heart and break my relationship with Jesus.
But behold, God kept me near. He always does so, but because of my flesh it would have been so simple to just walk away from my savior out of hurt, anger and frustration. Today I am so very thankful for the palm in which I was enclosed upon. His hands.
~one may have good eyes and yet see nothing.~
Italian proverb
