Confessions of A Clothes~A~Holic part 2
I Love Thee
Like Pudding,
If Thou Wert
Pie,
I Eat Thee.
...and Then I'd hinder to The Clothes Shop :)
Then I would put all my shiny and pretty new lovely's away...
forgetting I had them because I have so much.
Does this seem a little out of balance?? Priorities a bit out of order? Focus too blurry? A little embarrassing, perhaps?
"count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires." Romans 6:11&12
Recently, I had an epiphany. You know, those things that dawn on you when you least expect it that find you realizing some hidden truth about yourself...yeah, one of those.
My prayer for so many years has been to be able to live content with what ever circumstances I am in. To be able to live satisfied with what ever God has chosen me to live with/among.
En scripted in my heart, and yet remains, is the verse: "I know
what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of
being content in any and every situation, whether well fed of hungry, whether living in
plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 12
God has taken me into valleys of drought and pain. Difficulties at every turn. I feel blessed (now) to have learned the need of relying on Him in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry.
Because before haven been led into the valley, I did not know how self reliant I was. Relying on my own intuition. In which case this often takes me down many avenues of hardship and trails of confusion.
But to put my trust in His hands has always proven time and time again successful.
I treasure the book The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. She was a dutch spinster who lived with her older sister and elderly father until the Nazi's invaded Holland and her home forcing her and her family into the ruins of Hitler's evil concentration camps and prison. There her sister and father were starved and diseased to death. She, years later, was released by the fall of Hitler and found herself living her life again. She wrote this beautiful truth and has managed (by the deliberate grace of God) to touch and magnify the hearts of all who read it. (below is the link to the book)
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| Corrie ten Boom: a flower in His garden. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, so back to the epiphany. |
While driving to the East Rosebud I was day dreaming out the window. Watching the houses and farms pass by, wondering what those people who live on those farms and in those houses did all day. Wondering if life out here in the country was better than life tucked away in the suburbs of the city. Which is where we live. Was there even a difference? Meaning, did those who seemed living life simpler deal with the same questions and struggles as I? I, who live among stores and boutiques that entice me all the time?
Deep, I know. (insert sarcasm here!)
But seriously, this is truly a problem I deal with on a complete regular basis. When I walk into shops and see the rows of perfectly pressed brand new apparel and accessories my heart warms and I feel light and airy...like floating on a cloud of fashion bliss!
The smell of formaldehyde, leather and plastic. Oh my!
Beautiful shoes all lined up with the light shining, just perfectly so, down upon them...
See what I mean?
So, the epiphany...as I was gazing and thinking that afternoon out the window of the car, it hit me. Like a bag of silk plum blouses, Italian leather flats and dark rinse denim skinny's.
I was realizing that through out my entire childhood and even today as an adult I have spent the majority of my time in longing. Missing people, places and things that were so very important and crucial to me.
My parents divorced when I was seven. From that point on I was constantly kept in the state of want. Wanting to be in the home I'd only known. Wanting to eat supper in the dinning room with both mom and dad. Wanting them to be together.
My mother moved out and changed location of cities frequently. Everyday after school I'd come home to my stepfather...not my own dad.
I was away from my beloved grandparents. Long over were the days of afternoons spent at grandma and grandpa's. No more was I wake up in the same bedroom, same house, same town, same family.
Wanting the things, places and people that defined my existence.
I'd spend weekends waiting for my dad to pick me up. I'd spend evenings waiting to see my grandma and grandpa. All these loves and desires turned to wants and always longing.
Wanting the things, places and people that defined my existence.
I'd spend weekends waiting for my dad to pick me up. I'd spend evenings waiting to see my grandma and grandpa. All these loves and desires turned to wants and always longing.
When I grew up my new husband and I moved over ten hours away from all of which I'd only known. Everyday I'd miss my mom, my dad, my siblings, my surroundings my home. I hated that over time this constant state of want and longing became an ordinary, normal, always there emotion. I learned to adapt to living in a constant state of missing.
So, when I had a job that produced money and a husband with a job that produced more money~ I inadvertently discovered the instant gratification of shopping. The thrill and happiness of instant satisfaction. I discovered that the "things" I immediately fell in love with were right at my finger tips. Just a quick swipe of a credit card and it was mine! I didn't have to wait for it, long for it, pine towards it, dream of it or desire for it. I just had to buy it. Easy peasy! Instant satisfaction. It filled the void of all those years past and all the time present I'd been left feeling want and longing.
Days of sitting on the sidewalk watching each car pass by until his truck pulled into the drive were behind me. I could go where I wanted and get what I wanted when I wanted.
So dear friends, as I open and bear my heart for all to (hopefully not scoff) but read, I sit still today in wanting and always longing.
Wanting the treasure trove of my childhood memories opened before me.
Wanting my beloved grandparents to meet me under the old willow tree in the front yard for lunch.
Wanting to hear my dad on the other end of the receiver say how much he misses and loves me. Anticipating our next visit.
Wanting. Always longing.
The days spent trying to fill this void with shopping sprees and things shiny and new are less. God is working on proving to me that He can and wants to fill this horrendous heavy sadness. He wants to replace it with joy, thanksgiving and grace.
The joy to appreciate the memories once shared, the thanksgiving in my heart for the love have known, and the grace given to see His wondrous gifts unfolding for me...His child.
Thanks for reading with me :)
