Vonette Bright once wrote:
What happens if the functions or circumstances in which a woman places her identity changes?...We need to place our identity in what will not change.
Do you ever feel when your around the group of peers you associate with that perhaps you are that "one" with all the issues? The "one" who always seems to have a heaping pile spilling over on her plate? The "one" who is always having some crisis whether in relationships or life situations?
Lately I have been feeling just that!
When life is feeling heavy and burdens await your every corner, I often find myself wanting to listen to the most depressing feel the pain live the pain music and shut myself out of life. The desire to self loath in my pity allowing the shadows of despair to encompass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thankful am I that my best friend walks me through this. He has experienced first hand the whirlwind when this takes aim. He's been here before. He holds my hand and comforts my heavy heart. He listens to my ramblings and sputtered sentence fragments. He gets mad and stomps his foot on my behalf. We spout off our "George Castanza's" should have said this and will say that. Then we sit in the still of the quake and wait on His voice. I dive into some treasured books searching for some answers into this uncertainty. I want to be a good example to the children and not let my feelings be the driving force for my actions. I want to bare fruit.
I'll never understand how something so beautifully hand made could come from someone so deeply hurtful from within. I look down at this past birthday card given to me only a couple months ago. It's appliques carefully picked and arranged. I know the rose embellishment was selected specially for me. I open it carefully to read the handwritten words and kind note to follow "Happy Birthday....."
I pause in amazement. The words not penetrating. This cards' en script with it's perfect cursive seem not to jive with the reality she has given these 31 years of life. I want to believe these words with every bit of shredded fiber in my being, but I can't. A little piece of me breaks. Again. Knowing this will happen again come the following card given occasion, I close it and replace it back inside the drawer.
As a young teenager, I used to sit atop the stairs in the house on Clay road and listen to her condemning every aspect of my personality to her current husband. Never understanding why she was filled with such hatred for me. Never realizing what it was that I did wrong as a child. Was it the deep connection and love between my father and I, still after the divorce? Was it the strong bond and relationship I had with grandma and grandpa (her parents?) Was it that I looked so much like the seed?
Was it the green eyes she often looked into with such indignation that reminded her of he who left her stranded? Questions asked in the dark wallows of my sorrowful cries. Head bowed down, choking back the tears streaming down my face and into my hands I struggled finding the answer.
I was always rescued by a phone call to daddy or a trip to his farm.
Now there is no one tangible to cry to. No place to call home.
He knew, he understood. This is what I miss most about him.
This ever healing heart breaks in two, once again. All over again.
There was a time when I would sit upstairs and listen to hours of conversation between she and her friend. Hours of shredding all and anything. Depicting every aspect. There wasn't a single thing left un-touched by ridicule.
So...even today, no I sit and wait. I am slow to react and just wait. I fold my hands and speak in silence to my Heavenly Father. My legs are heavy as I drag my feet through this once again. He's allowing these wounds to reopen with the salt of words that break my heart in two. What will I learn from this? I do not know. And honestly, I am tired and I really don't feel like finding out. I don't want to go through this. Can't there just be peace? Sounds of good re pore? Healthy relationship between mother and daughter I want so badly?
~~~~
~~~~
What do you do when the one who should be the most loving tares your self respect and self worth into nothingness?
1)...as hard as it may be I have had to begin with recognition. Recognizing that my self worth does not come from the opinion of others, especially family. I have discovered over and over again in this life that people portray you the way they often see fit. This doesn't not always mean their interpretation is correct. Most likely it is obscured by their own inadequacies. This is why I believe Jesus declared so strongly in the commandments not to judge.
2) forgiveness. No matter what the damage is, I always have to forgive. Even when my heart is not there, my head is clouded, I still forgive. This enables me to begin the process of moving forward in my healing. Jesus says to forgive 70 times 70. He said this because just because I have "forgiven" the indignation, the pain may and probably will, lurk back in. So forgive it again, I do. Also, I have found through my experience that when I am forgiving, this disables resentment and bitterness to take root and grow in my heart. Because resentment and bitterness will destroy you. I have witnessed it first hand. Believe me! It will effect every thought process that runs through your mind. It will effect decision making and your relationships.
3) finding the truths. Discovering the truths of where your self worth comes from and your purpose in this life we are living is crucial. Because once we discover who our creator is (It's God!) and why we were indeed created, preserves the specialness in your life. Drifting through life feeling meaningless is a waste of time. Be proactive in your faith with Jesus by discovering the truths, He promised in the bible, will refresh your soul. Begin in Psalms. The writer of many is David. He was an extraordinary man who dealt with more drama than I hope to have to! Trust me, he knows!
4) correct self worth placement. People pleaser are we? I know I am. Not always a good place to be. Dig back into your childhood and try to figure out where your need to please came from. Mine came from a strong willed, hard to keep happy grandmother. :) Once you have pinpointed the root, there's always a root, you will see that overcoming trying to please and be the best christian ever lived is annoying and also a waste of time.
5) feeling the pain but careful to keep forgiving. When you are upset and feeling especially angry...feel that emotion, find out the root then ask God to take it from you. Then forgive the offense. Try not to spend a lot of time dwelling and being upset. It can open the door for unnecessary pain that may have not erupted had you not spent so much time in the low.
8) Set boundaries and Pray. Set boundaries by prioritizing your list. It should look like this order: God, spouse, children, work, family/friends. If you have a toxic relationship with a family member then try to set the boundary by distancing yourself from them and limiting the amount of personal information you give them. Remember, the more you divulge of yourself, the more they have to ridicule. Pray for the healing to begin and for your heart to always remain softened, open and aware with discernment. Softened so you can see the plank in your own eye and see them through the eyes of Jesus (also known as compassion). Open for opportunities to reach out to them when God opens doors to do so. Aware with discernment so when old habits of your relationship begin to happen, you can remove yourself from those situations in a healthy loving way.
7) and finally, try to fill your days with positive reinforcement. Meaning, think of ways to reach out to others in need. Focus on thanking God for what you do have here and right now. It's hard, but just do it. Practice and it can become second nature. Journal your thoughts, struggles, emotions, days, etc.
Dwell on your gifts and talents. God didn't give them to you to just sit idle. Be useful!
Gratitude opens the bars of hearts to happiness, even amidst the storm.
What happens if the functions or circumstances in which a woman places her identity changes?...We need to place our identity in what will not change.
Do you ever feel when your around the group of peers you associate with that perhaps you are that "one" with all the issues? The "one" who always seems to have a heaping pile spilling over on her plate? The "one" who is always having some crisis whether in relationships or life situations?
Lately I have been feeling just that!
When life is feeling heavy and burdens await your every corner, I often find myself wanting to listen to the most depressing feel the pain live the pain music and shut myself out of life. The desire to self loath in my pity allowing the shadows of despair to encompass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thankful am I that my best friend walks me through this. He has experienced first hand the whirlwind when this takes aim. He's been here before. He holds my hand and comforts my heavy heart. He listens to my ramblings and sputtered sentence fragments. He gets mad and stomps his foot on my behalf. We spout off our "George Castanza's" should have said this and will say that. Then we sit in the still of the quake and wait on His voice. I dive into some treasured books searching for some answers into this uncertainty. I want to be a good example to the children and not let my feelings be the driving force for my actions. I want to bare fruit.
I pause in amazement. The words not penetrating. This cards' en script with it's perfect cursive seem not to jive with the reality she has given these 31 years of life. I want to believe these words with every bit of shredded fiber in my being, but I can't. A little piece of me breaks. Again. Knowing this will happen again come the following card given occasion, I close it and replace it back inside the drawer.
Was it the green eyes she often looked into with such indignation that reminded her of he who left her stranded? Questions asked in the dark wallows of my sorrowful cries. Head bowed down, choking back the tears streaming down my face and into my hands I struggled finding the answer.
I was always rescued by a phone call to daddy or a trip to his farm.
Now there is no one tangible to cry to. No place to call home.
He knew, he understood. This is what I miss most about him.
This ever healing heart breaks in two, once again. All over again.
There was a time when I would sit upstairs and listen to hours of conversation between she and her friend. Hours of shredding all and anything. Depicting every aspect. There wasn't a single thing left un-touched by ridicule.
So...even today, no I sit and wait. I am slow to react and just wait. I fold my hands and speak in silence to my Heavenly Father. My legs are heavy as I drag my feet through this once again. He's allowing these wounds to reopen with the salt of words that break my heart in two. What will I learn from this? I do not know. And honestly, I am tired and I really don't feel like finding out. I don't want to go through this. Can't there just be peace? Sounds of good re pore? Healthy relationship between mother and daughter I want so badly?
~~~~
~~~~What do you do when the one who should be the most loving tares your self respect and self worth into nothingness?
1)...as hard as it may be I have had to begin with recognition. Recognizing that my self worth does not come from the opinion of others, especially family. I have discovered over and over again in this life that people portray you the way they often see fit. This doesn't not always mean their interpretation is correct. Most likely it is obscured by their own inadequacies. This is why I believe Jesus declared so strongly in the commandments not to judge.
2) forgiveness. No matter what the damage is, I always have to forgive. Even when my heart is not there, my head is clouded, I still forgive. This enables me to begin the process of moving forward in my healing. Jesus says to forgive 70 times 70. He said this because just because I have "forgiven" the indignation, the pain may and probably will, lurk back in. So forgive it again, I do. Also, I have found through my experience that when I am forgiving, this disables resentment and bitterness to take root and grow in my heart. Because resentment and bitterness will destroy you. I have witnessed it first hand. Believe me! It will effect every thought process that runs through your mind. It will effect decision making and your relationships.
3) finding the truths. Discovering the truths of where your self worth comes from and your purpose in this life we are living is crucial. Because once we discover who our creator is (It's God!) and why we were indeed created, preserves the specialness in your life. Drifting through life feeling meaningless is a waste of time. Be proactive in your faith with Jesus by discovering the truths, He promised in the bible, will refresh your soul. Begin in Psalms. The writer of many is David. He was an extraordinary man who dealt with more drama than I hope to have to! Trust me, he knows!
4) correct self worth placement. People pleaser are we? I know I am. Not always a good place to be. Dig back into your childhood and try to figure out where your need to please came from. Mine came from a strong willed, hard to keep happy grandmother. :) Once you have pinpointed the root, there's always a root, you will see that overcoming trying to please and be the best christian ever lived is annoying and also a waste of time.
5) feeling the pain but careful to keep forgiving. When you are upset and feeling especially angry...feel that emotion, find out the root then ask God to take it from you. Then forgive the offense. Try not to spend a lot of time dwelling and being upset. It can open the door for unnecessary pain that may have not erupted had you not spent so much time in the low.
8) Set boundaries and Pray. Set boundaries by prioritizing your list. It should look like this order: God, spouse, children, work, family/friends. If you have a toxic relationship with a family member then try to set the boundary by distancing yourself from them and limiting the amount of personal information you give them. Remember, the more you divulge of yourself, the more they have to ridicule. Pray for the healing to begin and for your heart to always remain softened, open and aware with discernment. Softened so you can see the plank in your own eye and see them through the eyes of Jesus (also known as compassion). Open for opportunities to reach out to them when God opens doors to do so. Aware with discernment so when old habits of your relationship begin to happen, you can remove yourself from those situations in a healthy loving way.
7) and finally, try to fill your days with positive reinforcement. Meaning, think of ways to reach out to others in need. Focus on thanking God for what you do have here and right now. It's hard, but just do it. Practice and it can become second nature. Journal your thoughts, struggles, emotions, days, etc.
Dwell on your gifts and talents. God didn't give them to you to just sit idle. Be useful!
Gratitude opens the bars of hearts to happiness, even amidst the storm.
