The Love of Keeping Home

Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Monster Within the Self Proclaimed "Man of Peace"

Part One

She woke up to the ping of her cell phone. A new text. Standing in her bedroom hesitant to open the new message, with her heart beginning to race, she proceeded. There it was, the ever present growing laundry list of all that is wrong with her. The same boundless list she ran away from one year ago.

She's learning by the aide of counsel, family and friends, that she is indeed worthy. Worthy of love, acceptance and most importantly life. This laundry list was used by "The Man of Peace" as acknowledgement of her wrong doings. To remind her that he is everything good in a man while she is the epitome of all that is wrong with a woman. There are moments in time when she feels derailed by ''The Man of Peace" and his constant condemnation. Each sun that rises is a new opportunity for her to recover and heal. But then a darkness settles in on uncharted moments and she is whisked back to that dark, chilly spring night. The vivid memory engulfs her for that moment as she fights through the horrific memory. She can feel the boundless thumping combined with screaming and words of defamation as the sensation of fear fills within her. This is the past. Although still finding her, she refuses to allow this haunting imperil of suffrage to define who she is today. The decade of trying to find calm and happiness amid a life ruled by lies and hiding was coming to a screeching halt. She saw, that night, the monster within the self proclaimed Man of Peace.

 This is a reality that many women have been forced to feel should be their lives from the beginning of time. A reality that has stripped and robbed them of self worth, love and life. Leaving them with feelings of doubt, fear and hopelessness. Unfortunately such reality for these women did not originate simply from home and their self proclaimed man of peace. The belief system, that is so much instilled drilled upon women in many religious organizations, that women are responsible for their mate's happiness has in fact oppressed their rights as individual human beings. Beguiling women from assertiveness when found in negative and abusive situations. Many religious organizations directly inform you that everything in life is and should be dealt with as a heart matter issue. In other words, if you are in an abusive toxic relationship, you then are responsible to keep the peace and find a way to resolve the matter. These steps include: prayer and a meeting with the one who has inflicted disruption and discover peace through a series of forgiveness and moving onward. The problem with this notion is that the real issue lying at hand is never fully addressed. Ten times out of ten any advise from a neutral party has absolute no expertise or educated insight into the problem. The true issues are only skirted around to avoid any more onset of pain and infringement upon the relationship. Usually the one who has been hurt goes unheard because she is "emotional" and comes across as "not right with God."  Therefore allowing the abuser to ride high on the self righteous moral high ground through his calm and collected cool self.  Case in point...this was/is me who is the above she.

Being told that your feelings are not valid is never healthy nor is it right. This is usually inflicted when the one you are sharing your feelings to feels uncomfortable. Perhaps it is awakening their own hurt and pain or it is upsetting the "false" front they are perpetuating to the same circle you had been.

                                                            Breaking the Mold

Several years ago, I remember asking a highly respected woman if I could have a heart to heart and discuss some issues I had presently going on in my life. I was a new stay at home mother. I had just finished working my last week at a job I loved for five years. I knew those friendships would fizzle out since they were mere great work acquaintances. Therefore, I was looking for advise on how to be stay at home mom while still feeling fulfilled. (Women who have worked while raising children understand this emotion). She greeted me warmly at the door, made a pot of coffee and offered before me a beautiful plate arranged with delicious banana bread. We took our coffee and bread to her sun room and began our little heart to heart. After the common niceties, I began opening up about my concerns with my husband. Unfortunately I was not aware of the current relationship between his parents and she. Once I had carefully divulged some pain she immediately shot me down. I was told that I needed to take better care of my husband because he came from a wonderful family. She proceeded to express that his lack of regard for my feelings was my fault, because I had not yet read "The Power of a Prayerful Wife". She finalized her scolding with me by pointing out that perhaps I needed friends who could demonstrate to me what a wife should look like and that if my husband seemed not interested in me physically, mentally or emotionally than I ought to discover ways to embrace this as a blessing. Because as I quote "he is your blessing from God."

I was twenty four at this time. I was alone in a city which was filled with strangers and my then husband. I felt alone and scared. Leaving her house that afternoon was a monumental point in my life. I left her home feeling inadequate. It was that day I learned how to carry all the burdens of my then husband's issues and replace my own emotions with feelings with feelings of guilt and shame. Guilt that all of his problems are indeed my fault and responsibility. Shame that I was not a worthy and or better Christian wife/woman/mother. Shame on me.

From that moment on I bought and read every Christian self help book on the shelves. I plugged in to any and every bible study known to man, got a part time job at the church and read my bible everyday in hope to discover anything that could lead me to be a better wife. I believed that my self worth was based upon my response system. "Never be seen with my feathers ruffled".  My home life was a mess but I made damn sure the outside was impeccable. Along the way I discovered the instant satisfaction of shopping. I felt incredibly ugly and worthless inside but the clothes masked that emotional pain.  Because I was ignored, neglected and abused at home, I found instant gratification through the thrill of shopping. I had a void that could fill the universe in my heart. A void that was only growing bigger. I delve into making my home and children happy. I had a yearning for women my age to be and feel the best they could. I was a leader of a birthday club I'd started with a friends. I used this birthday club as a means to express the importance of family and love for yourself. Meanwhile never uttering a word as to the reality of my life within the walls of 3527 Poly Drive.

I had many secrets hidden inside those walls. Each Sunday I'd awake early and prepare the children for Sunday school and church. The four of us would leave with "the self proclaimed man of peace" sleeping off his hangover. His parents (unfortunately) attended the same church. Each Sunday they would grill me on the where-abouts of their perfect son. I would lie and deny until they dropped the subject. "He's tired from working all week", "He's feeling sick this morning", or "He's working"...were the common responses to their questions meanwhile I'd stand there in the hall thinking he's at home passed out from the night before. But go ahead and ignore the obvious you hypocritical assholes, heaven forbid your friends find out the truth about your real family drama.
These people should where a medal for recognition as "Best Enablers in America" or "How to Raise a Narcissist Predator".

To be continued :)