It is well with my soul...
but my heart is still sad.
To make our brain connect to our heart...
this is what I find most difficult
when you have been
left in the desert.
Though I may feel alone
when faced to face
with the lion,
alone
I know
I am not.
~~~~~~~
Psalm 34:18 & 19
The Lord is near to the
brokenhearted and saves the
crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of
the righteous,
but the Lord delivers
him out of them all.
~~~~~~~
I don't know why I allowed myself to go.
Why did I deliberately put myself in
such a position.
What was I wanting to accomplish?
My heart aches as I so desperately want them to know the truth.
It is not up to me to disclose the real. Or is it?
I cannot see ahead. I will just sit and revel in
the moments I am called to.
Careful not to waste my time
Careful not to dwell.
Careful to keep under His wing.
Careful to remain in His hiding place.
Jeremiah 15:17
I did not sit in the company of revelers,
nor did I rejoice.
I sat alone because your hand was upon me,
for you had filled my heart with indignation.
Why do you lap up her words?
Why do you sit there in admiration and encouragement?
When the other sits with a loss of words.
The other, can see the transparency.
Am I the only one who sees?
Why then?
Deceits affliction
like a heart that cannot beat.
I shouldn't have gone.
I shouldn't have been so naive to
have thought I would feel otherwise.
Careless am I of my own heart.
David's Psalms sing directly into my heart.
The injustice and wolf in sheep's clothing.
Feeling the weight of scrutiny and plague of doubt.
All I need and require is Him.
His abiding loving guiding hand.
Why then, does this hurt so?
I cry tears of bewilderment.
Tears fall down into to these empty hands.
Praying for a softness to see
things through His eyes.
Same.
The unjust and indignation bother me so.
Like a thorn in my side.
Like a beast in my path.
Why is this indignation placed so heavily upon me?
Haven't I enough to handle?
Why do you desire me so to feel this weight?
You made me so sensitive to emotion.
I feel at times this is a curse.
But I know all things in your will are made perfect.
You are perfect.
I thank you for your grace.
Your mercy.
Bare it for you, I will.
Help me Lord. Do not leave my side.
God, do you desire for me move mountains?
This is what consumption feels like
Consumed am I not.
Casting all my worries and fears into His net.
I just want them to see. The truth.
Just Go! Get out of here, my heart cannot take it!
You are a heavy burden.
I heard God so loud and clear before the sun arose.
"Don't put yourself through, it."
"Don't be discouraged by her torment."
Listen, did I not.
Stubborn am I. Foolish am I best.
Foolish to believe I knew better, than my own heavenly father.
He who made the stars and the moon. He who
carefully and specifically weaved my inner most being
inside my mother's womb.
Proven wrong was I.
I felt the wrong decision. Running out of there fast enough,
could I not. Sit and listen with a soreness in
my stomach and a lump in my throat.
Even my baby couldn't take it. As she was sick in her class.
Forty minutes before the end did we leave.
I thought I was healing.
What happened?
Forgiveness seventy times seventy.
Like the psalmist, I will hide away
in your precepts. What more
can I do?
There I will find the peace
and relief I so desire.
May I find rest, today,
in your sovereign hands.
